1970's Commercial TV Jingles

For those reared and raised in a different time...when a vital component of any advertising campaign leveraged the well aged skills of the Tin Pan Alley pop songwriting styles of the 1940's-60's; now replaced on the hits chart by the rock world's singer songwriting navel-gazers. But their ear for a catchy hook no longer reached out to the teens at the Sock Hops and dance halls across the nation, but rather to the ears and eyes of the pre-teens watching the sugar fueled advertisements squeezed between - and helping to finance - Land of the Lost and the Pebbles and Bam-Bam Show. Here's a sampling of some of those timeless ditties.
Freakies Cereal 1974-ish (LISTEN) This is my personal favorite, a true lost classic from the golden age of sugary cereal jingles. The Freakies to my memory was a Fruity Pebbles rip-off, though that was not what lured me in, it was the commercial, I believe that my 7 year old self probably ran (not walked) to mom with demands on purchasing every available box perhaps within seconds of the commercial airing. If I could create target marking for my juvenile self it would be this; humanoid lumps of candy with varying personalities that made them misfits in this crazy world, add to that a hopelessly catchy jingle that celebrated who they were (was a young Paul Westerberg watching these commercials in Minnesota and taking notes?) and the song contained the priceless rhyme (we never miss a meal...'cause we love our cereal...) that was so clunky it convinced me that anything was possible. I swear I found the key to the universe in the forced rhymes of a doomed cereal song.

Time for Timer PSA: "Hanker for a Hunk o' Cheese" (WATCH) Saturday morning’s legendary interstitial program remains Schoolhouse Rock. And while that series earned it’s multi-generational props, it is not the only thing that we watched as we bridged from Looney Tunes to Land of the Lost. The gold standard in my eyes was Time For Timer an oddly shaped gentleman with a big hat who was giving out nutritional advice. Take this one for example, the healthy snack was a “wagon wheel” - a piece of cheese cut into a circular shape to fit neatly between two Ritz crackers. laugh if you must, but as sure as everyone in my age group knows what an ‘Epstein Letter” is, we also tried to make wagon wheels. And also pouring fruit juice or iced tea into an ice cube tray, cover with saran wrap, poke with a toothpick, and voila! Sunshine on a stick. In practice, those never came out quite like you expected, but cheese and crackers…never disappointed.

Fig Newtons (LISTEN) "It's the Big. Fig. Newton...here's the tricky part..." Not too long ago I was in a conversation and to accentuate a point I was making, I dropped the line "Here's the tricky part..." looked around expecting some sort of knowing smirk from anyone and instead all I got was blank stares. In hindsight. maybe I did not need to try and salvage the reference and proceed to getting up on one foot and acting out the Big Fig Newton's balancing dance routine, but honestly, at some point there really can be no turning back.

Frito Bandito (LISTEN) "Ayy-ayy-ayy-ayyy..." There's the recurring theme here: I can understand being the only one who remembers the Freakies Cereal jingle just like I might have been the only 8 year old memorizing all (4?) episodes of the sit-com Ball Four. But when I drop a cultural reference with the Frito Bandito and appear not only to be an anachronism but perhaps walking the line on a best-forgotten piece of Madison Ave's checkered past, well, the times truly are a-changin'. This song inspired the list. It began with seeing Avery Schreiber as the Porter-craving Italian bon vivant Manzini on My Mother The Car, and of course noted for his mid-70's Match Game appearances in the top left chair he also was the cheese connoisseur in countless Dorito commercials. I also thought he was the live-action portray-er of the legendary animated Frito Bandito but a few YouTube clicks later convinced me he was not. But there was still this forgotten jingle out there and that began this list.

Oscar Mayer Kid Fishing (LISTEN) "My bologna has a first name.." Right there with Mean Joe and the jersey is the little kid fishing and the one take Oscar Mayer jingle. Done flawlessly with the extra "how's that?" tagged onto the end which immediately put into everyone's mind that this kid probably suffered through multiple takes to get to this perfect version.

Almond Joy and Mounds (LISTEN) "because...sometimes you feel like a nut...sometimes you don't" Always been a big fan of the jingles which serve a duel purpose; they hook you into the product and also provide a quick synopsis of what they are offering. In this case it's all there in 6 words: "Almond Joy has nuts. Mounds don't." it reminds me in that odd free-association way of the Smokey and the Bandit theme song, Eastbound and Down. There in the chorus was the whole plot summed up: "The boys are thirsty in Atlanta and there's beer in Texarkana."

Have It Your Way (LISTEN) "Hold the pickles hold the lettuce / special orders don't upset us..." Lettuce/Upset Us. Seriously, why were rhymes on these commercials so much more inspired than the average rock bard lyrics of the 70's? (For my money the low point of forced rhymes was "laughed at all your jokes/my love you didn't need to coax" from Maggie May). This commercial had the great way of interweaving the dialogue with the song, giving it a 60-second musical feel. High craftsmanship in the era of quick commercials, probably reflecting the big-budget of Big Burger's number two player in the biz. (and not to belabor the point but the oft-forgotten second verse had three spot-on rhymes: Whopper / top, or / proper.)

A is for Apple (LISTEN) Another beneficiary of big-budget was Big Breakfast, led by Kellogg's and Post, this Apple Jack theme was well produced and grew the song into a verse/chorus structure that not only gave you the catchy takeaway (A is for Apple / J is for Jacks...) but also gave you the side-of-the-box info too (real apple!) etc.

Honeycomb Hideout (LISTEN) Breakfast cereal from the late 70's using a song that would be right at home in the Grease soundtrack; which was fitting as it was 50's era composers creating ads for a 70's audience. A side note which has nothing to do with Honeycombs, but rather Campbell's Soup. I was home - a preschooler - when the phone rang my mom answered and she sang "mmm....mmm...good...that's what Campbell's Soups are...mmm...mmm...good" and got recorded for a radio spot and we got a case of Chicken Noodle soup out of it.

I Wish I Were an Oscar Mayer Weiner (LISTEN) "everyone would be in love with me..." This animated 60's era feel also has a weird bit of peer pressure / bullying going on, too. So, there was a joke back in the day about a guy getting three wishes and after the first two got him the wealth and power and before he executed his third wish he was driving around in his Bentley and joyfully began singing along to the Oscar Mayer commercial on the radio. (Cue rim shot). But this has ruefully become just another lost joke - ineffective due to this commercial being unknown to younger generations. And thus it falls into the "archive" section of my Mental Rolodex of jokes, just like my cherished 70's beer commercial pun-jokes (Punchline #1: "When you're out of slits you're out of Pier." Punchline #2: "This is the beer that made Milt Famey walk us."). The genie/wishes joke now only works around those people of a certain age.

TAB (LISTEN) Diet soda needing an adult contemporary sounding theme song. "A beautiful drink for beautiful people" sadly it appears as though those Brill Building songwriters who were relegated to Saturday mornings were not called upon when Big Soda needed to launch the revolutionary idea of a diet cola. When faced with appealing to the post-sugar consumers, concerned with waistlines and lagging metabolisms and a group where the word "calorie" was synonymous with "fat" not "energy" they directly target-marketed a song in the You Light Up My Life vein and had this piece of (pardon the pun) sugary diet/lite pop.

Lite Brite (LISTEN) Not many toy/game jingles out there, so until we find another this will carry the water for all games of the era. Though, The Game of Life did have the "you will learn about life when you play the Game of Life..." tag line lyric.

Slinky (LISTEN) "It's slinky..it's slinky...a wonderful wonderful toy" Yes, right there in the song - fun for a girl and a boy, in case you were wondering. Seeing the video for these old commercials you really appreciate the marketing minds that managed to turn a metal spring into a toy.

"Wait. it's a metal spring?" (Droning in the background: "It's slinky...it's slinky...)

"And wait. This thing could put an eye out!" "It's slinky...it's slinky..."It's slinky...it's slinky...

"And wait! if they stretch this it could chip furniture and put a hole on dry wall and rip flesh...!" "It's slinky...fun for a girl and a boy...fun for a girl and a boy..."

"And...wh'a?!? Danger, metal, sharp!" "It's slinky...it's slinky...fun for for a girl and a boy..."

"And wh...it's fun for a girl and a boy...fun for a girl and a boy...fun for a girl and a boy...fun for a girl and a boy...fun for a girl and a boy...fun for a girl and a boy...

Oh Them Golden Slippers Grahams (LISTEN) As any Philadelphian will tell you, this is the Mummers song redone for a cereal. And again a perfect representation of pushing the positives of a product. Wow, if I eat that cereal I can't help but have a golden day!

Dr. Pepper (LISTEN) David Naughton's greatest role! That little coda at the end "be a pepper drink doctor pepper..." always triggered in me the hook from Spirit in the Night (B. Springsteen, circa 1973).

Tootsie Roll (LISTEN) A little older than most of the samples on here, but presented as not only an inspiration for the others but also as a jingle which did make its way into ads for over a decade

Alka Seltzer (LISTEN) "Plop plop...fizz fizz..." Another presented as a classic of the genre.

Schmidt Beer (NO LINK) This would be in the top three if I could find the commercial anywhere. I know it existed, would peg it in the mid/late 70's if not 80ish, but it was a 30 second musical done in full production mode, with movements through various sets, choreography and multiple singers. Quite a lot for a locally (Philadelphia) targeted commercial for a regional brewery. But as yet no one has managed to upload a copy of this commercial so it remains a 70's jingle Holy Grail.
From memory...here are the lyrics:

They love us in Seattle - They love us in Saint Paul

They even love us in Milwaukee and it drives them up the wall

But they can't get what we got here

The great, great taste of our Schmidt's Beer

They love us (Schmidt's!)

They love us (Schmidt's!)

And it makes us feel so proud (At Schmidt's)

It makes us so darn proud (Schmidt's!)